Relationships are an important aspect of our lives – the chances to connect with others, share our stories and experiences, enjoy companionship, etc., greatly contribute to our mental health and overall quality of life.
However, not all relationships will make your life better, some people come into your life to wreak havoc. Toxic relationships can take a huge toll on your mental health and self-confidence. So, it is important to recognize the warning signs early on.
You deserve to feel loved and appreciated in your relationships, whether they are romantic relationships, family, friendships, professional relationships, etc.
What are relationship red flags?
Red flags are warning signs or behaviors that indicate potential issues or problems in a relationship. They can be quite subtle at first, making them not-so-recognizable and easily overlooked e.g. controlling behaviors masquerading themselves as genuine concern or attention to detail.
Many red flags can be easy to dismiss or rationalize away, especially in the early stages of a relationship when everything feels new and exciting (for example, chalking up a person’s constant need to be updated about every single moment of your day [where you are, who you are with, what you are doing, etc.] to care instead of stalkerish, possessive behavior).
Being able to identify red flags early on can help you make informed decisions about the health and viability of a relationship – whether it is time to hit the brakes and turn around or keep moving.
In this post, we will discuss 10 common red flags to watch out for. As you read along, may your eyes be open so that you will recognize any red flags in your current relationships, and may you be empowered to take action and protect yourself from unhealthy dynamics.
10 red flags in a relationship you must not ignore
It is important to remember that relationships are supposed to uplift and enrich your life, not cause distress and discomfort. You deserve to feel valued, supported and understood.
When red flags arise, take that as a sign to pause and reassess. It may be time to set new boundaries or time to let go and move on from relationships that do not align with your happiness and well-being.
1. Constant criticism
No one is perfect, we can all make room for improvement in our lives. However, when you find yourself in a relationship with someone who always finds a way to criticize you no matter what you say or do, it can have quite a negative impact on your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You don’t need that in your life.
Healthy relationships should make you feel uplifted, not sad and miserable about yourself. Criticism can be okay if it’s constructive (clear and providing actionable suggestions for positive change) and dished with love.
For example: say you are asking a person how you look in a particular outfit. Positive criticism looks like “I find that this outfit is not particularly flattering on you, try the other one instead, you look way better in it”. Negative criticism looks more like “You just look fat and ugly in that outfit, it definitely was not meant for people like you”. Notice how one response gives you actionable suggestions for a positive change whereas the other is just meant to make you feel bad about yourself.
People who truly love you should build you up, not break you.
2. Jealousy
While it is not unusual for people to occasionally feel jealous, it is a huge red flag when jealousy becomes a persistent and irrational issue in your relationship.
Healthy relationships need a good measure of trust and self-confidence. You should be able to have mutual trust for one another even when you are not together, you should be able to have other relationships outside of each other without having to worry (I’m not talking about cheating here! Please don’t do that!), you should be able to celebrate each other’s wins without envy or resentment.
Frequent jealousy not only erodes trust within the relationship but can also create an atmosphere of tension, insecurity and unhealthy competition. If left to brew, it can lead to dire consequences with long-lasting impacts on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
Jealousy in a relationship can stem from various underlying insecurities or fears, such as a fear of abandonment, past traumas, or a lack of self-confidence. Addressing underlying insecurities and improving communication can help alleviate jealousy and build a healthier relationship dynamic.
3. Disrespect
Mutual respect is a cornerstone of any strong and loving relationship. You should not entertain relationships with people who disrespect you or people you don’t respect.
Disrespect can manifest itself in several ways: mockery, insults and demeaning language, lack of respect for your personal freedom or space, disregard for your feelings and boundaries, broken promises, manipulation, gaslighting, disregard for your contributions, etc.
While it’s important to give people the benefit of the doubt, it is important to recognize the red flags and stand up for yourself. Good relationships should entail mutual respect and empathy.
4. Conditional relationships
Some people will stick with you only as long as you provide something for them (gifts, money, freebies, reputation, connections etc.) and the moment the benefits diminish, they may lose interest or drift away from you.
There are also people who stay around you just so you can be their “punching ball” or the person who makes them feel better about themselves (the DUFF), you don’t deserve that.
People who genuinely love and care for you will not take advantage of you, they’ll stick with you for YOU, not for what you have to offer.
True love is unconditional, freely given with no strings attached and not easily retracted when benefits cease.
5. One-Sided Effort
If you are constantly showing up for someone and they never show up for you when you need them, or you are always the one taking initiatives to keep the relationship thriving (e.g. initiating every conversation, making plans etc.), you just may be in a one-sided relationship.
For a relationship to thrive, all parties involved must invest time, energy and effort. It is not fair that the burden of keeping the relationship alive only falls on one person, some degree of reciprocity is necessary.
This does not mean you should be keeping tabs of every nice thing you do for them, but you should be able to count on them to be there for you.
If anyone makes you feel like you are in a one-sided relationship, talk to them about your feelings and if they are dismissive, it may be time to let them go, you deserve better.
6. Lack of communication
Communication is a necessary part of every relationship. In order for one person to understand another’s thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, etc., communication needs to happen.
It is a huge red flag when a person refuses to communicate but expects you to somehow perfectly understand what is going on in their head. That’s exactly how misunderstandings arise.
Healthy relationships should involve active listening, empathy, and willingness to openly and honestly share, without fear being judged for being vulnerable.
It is also important to remember that communication doesn’t come easy for everyone (difficulty or inability to communicate should not be confused with unwillingness to communicate), so it is important to create an atmosphere conducive for communication in your relationships and exercise patience.
7. Controlling behavior
Controlling behaviors can often masquerade themselves as care or attention to detail e.g. it may seem sweet at first that a person you are in a relationship with constantly picks out your outfits, hairstyles, meals, entourage etc., but this could be rooted in a deeper issue – the desire to exercise control and dictate your every move, robbing you of your autonomy.
Controlling people like to exercise power and dominion over you, often resorting to manipulative tendencies to have their way. This a red flag to not be ignored. As an individual, you deserve to have your autonomy and feel a sense of control over your own life.
Healthy relationships involve a balance; compromises may need to be made but there has to be clear consideration around differences, no one should control the other’s actions.
If you recognize any controlling tendencies starting to arise, communicate and establish clear boundaries ASAP to prevent further harm. Whoever doesn’t want to respect those can leave.
8. Lack of trust
It is difficult to walk in harmony with someone you don’t trust or someone who doesn’t trust you.
How can you carry on a healthy relationship with someone when you feel you have to constantly watch your back around them? How can carry on a healthy relationship with someone if they are always hovering over you because they doubt the purity of your intentions?
Just like you can’t build a solid building on a wobbly foundation, you simply can’t build a healthy relationship without trust.
If you find yourself constantly having to do things like checking a person’s phone to make sure they are not being disloyal, or following them around to make sure they’re not doing something fishy, or you live with this constant feeling that they are up to no good and they are hiding secrets from you, it just may be time to say goodbye.
While it is possible to achieve at least a semblance of restoration after trust has been broken, at times the damage is just not reparable and you may have to simply move on. Staying in a relationship characterized by lack of trust will take a huge toll on your self-worth, and your mental and emotional wellbeing.
9. Disregard for boundaries and triggers
As mentioned earlier, people who genuinely care about you will respect you. Respect extends to mindfulness of boundaries and triggers.
There are people who consciously disregard others’ boundaries and purposefully tug on others’ triggers in order to elicit a reaction. You don’t need people like these in your life.
Boundaries are essential for establishing a sense of safety and respect in relationships. They are a way of communicating to others what is okay for you and what isn’t. When someone constantly disregards your boundaries (even under the banner of playful banter), it is a sign of lack of concern for your wellbeing.
People who care about you will want you to feel safe and understood, not scared and on-guard.
10. Lack of future alignment
Some relationships are meant to last just for a season and that is okay. When the goal is to build a lasting relationship, however, you need to think about future goals and priorities.
Misaligned priorities can be a huge source of contention in a relationship, especially when no one is willing to make compromises.
Having open and honest conversations about your future aspirations and goals is quintessential, especially for couples. Finding common ground and making room for compromise is how you ensure harmony in your relationships.
That said, in situations where it is impossible to make compromises (e.g. one person wants babies and the other wants absolutely nothing to do with kids), it is better to part ways rather than lie or “suck it up”.
Finding the right people for you
You deserve to surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally and appreciate you for everything that you are, people who see the best in you and encourage you to become a better version of yourself.
Demanding respect, love, and consideration in relationships is not a luxury, it’s a requirement.
It’s okay to set boundaries, it’s okay to distance yourself from people who constantly make you feel bad about yourself it’s okay to leave if you feel undervalued and unappreciated.
I like to remind myself that somewhere out there, are people looking for exactly what I have to offer, I believe the same is true for you too. Imagine you’re a puzzle piece, you can bend yourself out of shape trying to fit into a puzzle that has no designated space for you, or you can embrace everything that you are and find the puzzle that’s just right for you.
